All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
