theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
