: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
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It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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