please come you make the beer taste better
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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