today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
