I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
