i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
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i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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