You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
