i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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