We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
