I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
