did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it was like eating out sand paper
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
