i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
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You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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