Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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