you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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