i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
