You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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