Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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