just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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