Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
