his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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