The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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