There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we're making bets on your personal life
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
