my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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