Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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