She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Im part way to drunk.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
