if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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