i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
