the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
