nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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