I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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