Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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