fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We were destined to go to rehab together
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
