im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
