my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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