My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
