Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
