Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
you're hired as official boob wrangler
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
