I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
