And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
