I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How naked do you want me to be?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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