Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I will pee on everything he values.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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