i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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