i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
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I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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