I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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