cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
