Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
