another moral hangover. fuck.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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