Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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