If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
