i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
