The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
