never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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