i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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