I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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