Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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