you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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