too bad you live with your parents still
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
