i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
